MY RAINBOW

            Inyamuakut.com has been a constant source of light for me since 2012 when i stumbled on it for the first time. One thing she’s shared and i can totally relate to has to be her piece on scars, she wrote about a scar on her right arm, a scar that she carries as an aftermath of something which almost claimed her life, but her scar has been a constant reminder that no matter how terrible stuff goes she’ll be fine.

            I have a scar, but you see it’s not a scar from a fall i sustained when i was two years old, its a scar made by an intentional cut with a doctors scalpel when i was 16 and could not breathe, in the space of 8 months i had to undergo five surgeries and I’ve been with this scar forever. I used to feel really insecure about this scar but there was really nothing i could do, its right next to my eye foundations don’t really quite cover it, so I had to live with it, i have another scar that’s less physical, its the scar etched on my fragile heart at 5 by my molester. 

            This year has been a particularly hard one for me, I had to deal with major battles in my health, had to face suspension, had to deal with a major faith shake but like Noah in the bible God gave me a rainbow, the rainbow was a sign a promise God gave after the flood and promised that never again would the earth be destroyed, I’d like to picture the man Noah witnessing heavy downpour and lifts up his eyes to the heavens, sets his eyes on the rainbow and is at peace because he is reminded, for me my rainbow is my scar, many times I felt my faith wavering all I had to do was look in the mirror at the scar and I remembered where I’d come from, what God had brought me through and i knew in my heart that the rain could fall hard as it may my rainbow was sign that the rain could not destroy me, i remembered that the year i had all my surgeries i was writing WAEC and i even had jamb about three days after my second procedure and i didn’t fail even an exam, my WAEC result turned out to be one of the bests in my school, my scar is there just in case i forget that God is able, my scar is there just in case forget that God can, my scar is there so when i have severe asthma attacks and i think I’m dying I’d remember that the victory was won for me, my scar is there so when my heart feels overwhelmed and i think i cannot take anything anymore I’d remember that my heart is simply a muscle waiting for exercise it cannot be broken, my scar is my victory mark, it’s my sign of remembrance.

This scripture says it all “I’d never forget the trouble, the utter lostness, the taste of ashes, and the poison I’ve swallowed. I remember it all, oh how well i do. The feeling of hitting rock bottom. But here’s one other thing i remember and each time i do i keep a grip on hope, ‘God’s loyal love (that kept me through five surgeries) couldn’t have run out, his merciful love (that saved the mess i was) couldn’t have dried up. They are created new daily. How great is your faithfulness? I’m sticking with God, i say it over and over, he’s everything I’ve got left” (lamentations 3:19-24)

     Don’t hide your scars, it may not have come from beauty, it could have come from pain, heart break, don’t hide your scars let your scars remind you of the power of the God you serve, look at your scars again remember where you have come from, draw strength for tomorrow from these scars and remember that the one who brought you through whatever it is that left you with these scars is the same one who on the throne. Grateful for every scar in my life.

Love,

opeyemi

MY EYEBROWS ARE JUST NEIGHBORS

My friend is an upcoming makeup artist, she does most of my make-up for me, one thing she always says is “your brows are sisters and not twins”, almost every lady who does her brows would realize that they are not exactly shaped but they are very similar, but mine is unusual, in 2012 I had five major surgeries right next to my right eye, hence my right brow is way higher than that on the left, during the surgery a bone was accidentally broken now it’s nothing major the only implication is there’s a widened gap between my eyes, each time i have people put on makeup for me, they complain about how my brows are on unequal planes. Now while this shouldn’t even be an issue it used to be. I tried to learn how to contour because i didn’t want the space between my eyes apparent, which is a problem because I couldn’t have the time to contour every day. I started to feel inferior I started to feel like a ugly little lady, there was this guy i was in love with at a point, when he started to date some other chic after seemingly leading me on, i figured it was because i was ugly.

My health is another place i battle, i had an attack once in a public place, and oh my God i wished i simply died, I was so ashamed to come out the next day. These are little things that have brewed insecurity in me, my past also I keep having this feeling that no one can love me or want me.

                But you see insecurity is messy, I’ve spent time dating people who i shouldn’t even have lunch with because i was insecure “no one would want me, so I’d just live with whoever says they could manage me” i was like a little dog, lapping up compliments thrown my way rudely “pretty bitch”  and i’d be smiling sheepishly, i needed people to tell me i was good enough, but the issue is once was never enough, i needed them to tell me always, but hey who’s got that much time on their hand insecurity messed me up pretty much.

                It took God and a couple stuff to find myself again, first i had to find who i was, you see i wasn’t created by myself and i do not know why and how i was created and so i cannot be handled or used right until these are established so i had to know my maker first, know what he had in mind when he made me, know what he thinks of me, psalm 139 has been everything for me in this area, it says i am fearfully and wonderfully made, i’m Gods wok and his works are marvellous, nothing about me was hidden from God, meaning  even the illness that seemingly altered my facial features he knew about it before it happened.

                But knowing this wasn’t everything, believing it was more, holding on to it was important, so I had to diverse means to keep myself reminded of that truth, so i started writing, I’d  write letters to remind  myself of these truths, I’d save inspirational quotes on my phone and go back  to them when i  was feeling down. I wrote letters to myself, lengthy letters about how amazing and incredible i was and read them always. Gradually i found strength to dare stuff. 

                Finally i had to learn to be enough, to encourage myself, not to wait for anyone to say nice things to me, i also said nice things to people, reminding them of how amazing they were. My insecure eyes learnt to see people who were inferior and show love to them, i also prayed for the insecure ones.

                It was like magic but as i started to see myself as beautiful  every other person seemed to see same, everyone wanted to be friends with me, everyone seemed to notice i had pretty eyes, everyone else seemed to see i had lovely lips, learning to see myself right seemed to help others see me right too, but more than that it gave me strength to say no to unnecessary, strength sapping relationships, as i started to pray for insecure people and ask God to help them find their security in him, i found my security in God too. My brows are still neighbours but it seems less obvious, i still have a scar and the space between my eyes is still there but i don’t seem to see it again. Everyday i look in the mirror i see beauty beyond description.  Your brows maybe sister’s even twins, but whatever it is that keeps you feeling insecure is not of God and i know what insecurity can do, it can do terrible things, know who you are in God (read psalm 139), hold on to who you are in God, learn to be enough, encourage yourself. Remember God is more than enough for you.

Love,

Opeyemi (the unspoken woman)

THE UNSPOKEN CHRONICLES: NINA'S STORY 2

Nina sent in the remaining part of her article last night.. Saying I was and still am speechless is an understatement, you see when I shared my story  I wasn't sure anyone else had gone down my road, I was scared I'd be judged but I shared anyway. When I spoke about lesbianism I had butterflies in my tummy, but this part of my friend's story made me realize my sharing was worth it. Nina never mentioned this to me, but I shared on unspoken, she read and now she's sharing. Please leave your thoughts and say a prayer for Nina.
Love Opeyemi!


So he was gone from my life, okay, but so was my innocence. At a tender age I enjoyed watching movies with sex scenes, loving the sensual pleasure it gave me. But just one problem, I couldn't do it. Or so I tot. I was 6 yrs old and playing out side with my friends when a neighbour called me, I went to meet her and she asked me to go with her inside her house. I did, she said to lie down which I did, then she had sex with me.
"Ahhh....,so there is another way" I thought to myself, So I began to share my new found knowledge with my friend and also my sisters. That bad. Then I went to boarding school and it all came to an end. No neighbours to do it with, thing is, deep down I knew it was wrong and I had to stop. So I started pretending. I had to be a role model for my siblings, what did I do? I studied hard to distract myself to no avail, needed to relive myself. So I resorted to masturbation, thinking all manner of pornographic thoughts I could imagine.
   I knew it was bad and eating me up slowly, I needed help. That's when I launched a silent war against the male gender, seeing no good in them, seeing them as people who sought to exploit the weak and simple minded, so I hardened my heart and built strongholds so no one could come close. I was angry at how my innocence was taken away from me forcefully, each time I gave in to the temptations I hated myself and the more angry I became. I started to drift, separating myself from society, shutting out contact with anyone. This went on for 8 yrs and no one could understand me so I had little or no friends at all and was very distant from my parents. That was okay for me.

It was a difficult time for me and it wasn't easy for me to begin to trust people, especially males but am learning, still growing and by God's grace I will overcome. Thanks for staying with me.
Nina.

THE UNSPOKEN CHRONICLES: NINA'S STORY

Nina and I have been friends for about three years, it's amazing how I never knew so much about her until the idea for unspoken woman came up, I shared with her and she was so excited about the whole idea, her piece was supposed to be up since last week but due to some hitches here and there, well better late than never.. Hope this means something to someone. Please leave your comments and thoughts, her story is separated into parts.
love, Opeyemi.


The name's Nina.....here's my story;
I was just 3 years old then, my parents didn't have enough so I had to stay with my grandma. He lived next to us, he was nice and kind. There was no need to be afraid, he couldn't possibly do any harm....or so I thought.
How it first happened I can't really tell, but I do know that it did happen. I was playing in his room cause no one was home, then he lay down on his back on the bed and asked to to lie on top of him. I innocently did, then he pulled his shorts off exposing his penis, he said not to move but he was moving. After that day, each time I came around he did that to me. Telling me not to tell anyone. He was my uncle.

Whenever he came around and refused to lie on him, he threatened me, so I started to dislike him and I was really relived when my mom got me back. He came around to visit us when I was 5, I didn't want him near my sisters for reasons I couldn't tell, but I just hated him. When he left, I was very happy thinking it would never happen to me again, but I was wrong......

MOVIES, NOVELS, MUSIC, LETTERS & SCRIPTURE

Prior to now I shared the story of what’s gone on before in my life, I also shared summarily on where I am presently.  Today I’d be sharing a few things that helped me through the valley and are still presently helping me even as I write. In the meantime pardon my hiatus, hopefully it won’t happen again. Well here are those things

MOVIES:
Can we all take a minute and say a prayer for the Kendrick brothers, Mount Zion faith films Nigeria and every other child of God who has decided to make movies to glorify their God and help others find this God. You see I learnt how to play God games at a very tender age after been molested and seeing my abuser praying to God like he did nothing I figured we had the right to live anyhow we deemed everyday so long as we could pray in the spirit on Sunday. I was a PK so naturally I was in the forefront at church attending youth group, singing in the choir and even acting drama in church all the while totally out of tune with God. Then I became sick and I started to see my real need for God, how much I needed to get God in me. I wouldn’t speak of it but I was searching, I tried scriptures but I felt disconnected, I didn’t even know where to start then one night I watched the movie “THE ENCOUNTER” totally amazed that there were Christian movies like that io started to haunt for Christian movies and I got a ton, one after the other I watched them, saw people like myself going through so much and seeing how they overcame, I’d jot the scriptures quoted in these movies, read them myself, I’d cry watching these movies and gradually I started to heal.


NOVELS:
Francine River’s atonement child was my turning point, in the atonement child the key character was a young lady who loved God, she was raped and her seeming perfect life was turned upside down what struck me in the book was when an analogy was made about sifting. So in sickness I realized that God had great use for me, but to fulfill it there had to be a sifting of all excesses and all those things that shouldn’t be present in my life. One thing that came to mind was pap before pap is made guinea corn in first soaked in water, it’s then grinded and then its sifted for the useful part to come out. All I had to go through was my own processing, so that I’d be able to speak and speak loud when its time. I remember reading Karen Kingsbury’s Beyond Tuesday morning so many lesson were learnt there especially that I had to choose life, and choosing life included t giving closure to things that needed closure, so when things I had learnt to tell myself didn’t happen started haunting me, I had to realize I needed to choose life, hence I went back to it all, dealt with my pain, my inner demons one after the other. I knew I couldn’t do it all myself, God knew that too hence he gave me a confidant.


MUSIC:
There’s a power that lies behind music, weather godly or worldly music there’s a power that lies behind music, its why we must be mindful of what we listen to. Times I couldn’t find words to describe how exactly I always found a song that said exactly those things I wanted to say, so at every point in my struggle, for every season of pain, there was always a song to give me warmth, there was always a song to tell me I was not alone in my pain (lol yes, misery loves company). There was always a song reminding me to hold on, from Britt Nicole, to Jamie Grace, to Francesca, to Donnie and several more artists. When I couldn’t pray all I needed to do was put on my “song for the season” and I’d find new strength to pray, there were time I couldn’t pray and I’d just put on my song for the season on repeat and I’d get up and realize I’d prayed for two hours or even more. Music was truly a balm and for me.


LETTERS:
I used to find it really hart to express myself vocally, many times I cringed inwardly at the sound of my voice so I’d rather say very little, but when it came to God there was so much to say, I dint know how I’d speak to God with that my annoying voice, then I started to write. I’d write my prayer request, I’d write my feelings, I’d write out my struggle I’d just simply write, if someone said something I didn’t like I’d write it to God in my prayer Journal, I know God really did read my journal because he always helped me when I asked, and when I was hurt I always felt this comfort I couldn’t understand like someone was hugging away my pain. Gradually I started to speak more often and now I no longer cringe at my own voice, but once in a while when prayer gets too routine, I write letters to God. Another thigh I did was write letters to me. I had  developed a complex after all the blows life threw at me, I’d lap on random silly complements thrown my way like a thirsty dog; people would tell me “you’re not so ugly” and I’d be there grinning like a little mouse, but when I started writing letters I told myself all I needed to hear from other and yes I believed it and this helped me get of unnecessary and dysfunctional relationships which I’d stayed in because of words and complements and so I’ll feel like I was worth friendships, I’d write letters to myself and I’d read them days later ad blush like it was someone else who wrote them. Letters helped me find myself.


SCRIPTURES:
Yes scriptures! Now this is the most important one, now it wasn’t the first resort I went to but every other thing simply led me to scriptures, movies quoted scriptures and I went to the bible, books quoted scriptures and I went to the bible, music spoke about God and his promises and I had to check scriptures, scriptures reminded me to do the most important thing PRAY, I tried to pray and music helped me pray longer, I got tired of routine prayer and wrote letters to God, I needed validation and scriptures did just that for me, told me what God thought of me and I wrote God’s thoughts to myself and I felt better. All in all I’d say the scripture was everything and in God’s word I found my way to laugh, love and most importantly live, because God’s words are spirit and life.
p.s: Lets know things that have helped you through the valley! Share in the comment section. ❤




Love,
Opeyemi( the unspoken one)

……..AND NOW…..

You see I’ve lost time, I gave about 13 years to sin and addictions and the other years I didn’t spend in sin and addictions were stolen by sickness. I really want to cover for lost time I want to go over the top and just do so much to make up for the time I’ve lost.. but you see healing takes time, rebuilding takes time so if I want to win I’d have to give time, I’d have to gradually allow things fall into place with time, so much as I want  to rush things time is needed so I’m giving waiting a chance, taking time to heal up and be fine while holding on to hope that it would happen soon.

So where is this lady right now?
 I’m learning, I’m growing, I’m thriving, I’m becoming and most of all I’m reaching out. You see I think about all I’ve been through and then I know only God could make one shine through so much adversity. People don’t go through fire without being burnt and those who aren’t burnt smell like smoke, but you don’t go through fire and shine, people expected me to be broken in a thousand tiny unfixable pieces but I’m here shining, it may not seem like so much but it’s not nothing
I’m learning to forgive those who didn’t understand me and called me names
I’m learning to forgive those who judged me when I couldn’t keep dates
I’m learning to forgive those who made jokes about my life
I'm learning to trust like a child once again.
I'm learning to live well above my fears
I’m forgiving those who took advantage of me
I’m crumbling the walls I’ve built around my heart and using the blocks to build a safe haven for me and mine.
I’m burning the bridge that connects me to the past and using the light from the fire to find my way to my future
I’m becoming all that no one expected me to become
I’m sharing my story
Most of all I’m learning how to live, love and laugh out loud as can be, its not easy it may even get harder but I've not come this far to give up, faithful is the one who has called me he's more than able to keep me till the end, he's got plans and I know everything is working for me.. Like I said yesterday my God is intentional.


Love,
Opeyemi (the unspoken woman)

THE UNSPOKEN CHRONICLES 3: OPEYEMI SPEAKS UP

One afternoon I was watching porn, halfway through I started to cough, I’d like to mention here that I’m and asthmatic patient hence coughing is almost always a sign of something worse and before I knew it I was gasping, loosing breath, there was no one home with me and more than anything I knew I’d die that day but I wasn’t scared of dying as I was scared that I’d go to hell when I die. Now let me share something about the asthma, I wasn’t born asthmatic  but as some point when I couldn’t care about anything, my sin wasn’t even a burden, I mean if I was in sin my life should have been a mess asthma came in not just asthma plus sinusitis I had to be operated on 5 times. No God didn’t inflict me with asthma in order to bring me back to him; on the contrary he worked through the asthma to help me find my purpose in him. That afternoon I knew what I had to do, I had to speak up. Speaking up started with the murder of my pride finding a confidant and being completely honest. I wasn’t immediate but gradually, slowly overtime porn became less and less constant in my life. You see don’t think I don’t struggle once in a while, I have to turn off my phone sometimes because I’m scared I’d fall.



However September this year I met this doctor I’d call him Dr. Rocky. I took my sister to the hospital one morning  because she was having s very severe stomach ache, while at the hospital my sister had to go in for a test hence I was left alone with him, he started out chatting with me like I was his daughter, he made jokes and all and I got really comfortable he even started giving advice on guys and relationship and everything, suddenly he stood up and came close to me, he started out by putting his hand into my dress and touching my breasts ever so slightly but gradually things even became worse, maybe it was shock maybe I didn’t know what was happening, I can’t even explain what went wrong that day, I mean after being abused as a child I’d imagined the next time someone would every try such with me, I’d hit them hard or something, but there I was silent and unable to move, my sister came back in and it was over immediately, I wanted to speak up, I wanted to do something but I was too shocked I simply stood up and took my sister back home, I simply told myself nothing ever happened. Only the next morning I woke up and suddenly I felt the weight of what had happened to me the day before, I had been molested once again, and the reality was too much for me to bear. I promised myself never to go back to that hospital but a few days later I had an attack and since that was the closest hospital to the house I was rushed there, he treated me and placed me on a temporary admission when those who brought me went out for a while I was left with just my brother, he came in again sent my brother out and for the second time he molested me, now you’re probably wondering why I didn’t shout right? I’d share that in my next post. About two weeks later I had to return for a check-up, I insisted my mom went with me, she did but didn’t see the need to accompany me into the doctor’s off hence she sat in the waiting room, we went into his office and since I was feeling a lot stronger I figured I could fight if he tried anything funny lol how wrong I was, he overpowered me and for the third time he molested me. I only told my mom I was never going back there and that he was a nasty person.



 I was mad at God, I had spent time trying to recover from what was done to me as a child and now when I was seemingly fully healed he allowed this to happen, what kind of “good God” does such, does he just sit and have a good time in heaven while I battle with so much here? What wrong had I done that evil seemed to be my constant companion, how would my Christian life even be productive when its forever spent fighting battles, what was wrong with me, was I merely created to be a spectator watching others find joy in life while I forever live in pain, why is my life well so different. I know better now, you see I’m very different, my touch of pain has rendered my wild nature a lot of serenity, my battle has taught me to pull out strength in times when I didn’t think I had any strength again, my pain has taught me to depend on God even when I can’t see the sense in what he’s doing because he’s an intentional God, all things that have happened in my life hasn’t been for my ruin, it’s all worked and is still working for my own good, contrary to expectation I’m not broken I’m becoming, the things that came into my life to drown me taught me how to swim, the storm taught me to hold on to my anchor (God). More than everything I’ve learnt to trust God to just lean on God, I don’t understand why it had to be me but I’m thankful for the privilege. Someone once told me that people who face the greatest battles are the ones God trusts, he trusted Job and allowed the devil test him, I’m honored that God trusts me enough to allow me get tried so much. I don’t know what my future holds but I know that even though he slays me I’d still praise him. I have found my voice through my pain. My pain birthed unspoken for people like myself to speak up, for people to know they aren’t really alone, Jesus is with us and yeah there’s a lot of other people.


Love,
Opeyemi(the unspoken woman

THE UNSPOKEN CHRONICLES 2: OPEYEMI SPEAKS UP

In the first post on this blog I mentioned this blog as being a home where ladies find grace to peel layers after layers after layers of their past, their thoughts, their filth and experiences and still know their worth never reduces. Today I’d be peeling off another layer, I’d go deeper than the first one, I’m tempted to edit a few things, because the whole truth may not be comfortable but what then is the essence if I’d whitewash the truth. So I’d just tell it as it is yes I am scared but I’d share anyway.

 After my first sexual encounter which I shared in my previous post, I started to need sex often, I started out with a boy who lived close to the house, from there I moved on to another one who lived a little distance from us, I’d take out time to watch movies with pornographic scenes so I’d know what to do the next time I was with a guy. My sexual escapades was cut short when my family moved houses, in the new place we moved to we had very few neighbors and there was no boy I could have sex with as all the boys were well older than I was or well younger than I was and I could be everything but I would never have sex with a guy younger than I, funny thing was I wasn’t past the age of 10 but I was involved in so much already, well since there was no boy and I needed sex I decided to try something else. Right next door lived a young girl about the same age as I, from the first time I saw her there was a knowing that she was sexually active already but I had never nursed the thought of being with another girl so it was nothing to me, until one day I was quite in a mood when she came over, our conversation turned gradually towards sex and before I knew it we were in my room and I had what I’d like to refer to as my first lesbian sex, after the first time we continued and each time we went a little further than, it didn’t seem harmful to me but I was hooked, not just to sex but to girls, sometimes my partner would invite one other girl to partake, other time it was just the two of us.

 Things were once again seemingly stopped when I had to go off to a boarding school, I struggled with keeping myself in check so as not to be caught, I always seemed to be able to control myself until days I had to sleep right next to other girls I found myself touching them in funny ways, I’d act like I was asleep and start romancing them. It was crazy but I was bound. The worse happened one night my friend and I decided to share her bed, before I knew it we were both naked and things were getting out of control but I thank God for her, she stopped things before they could go any further, looked at me and said I had to ask God for mercy for what we’d done that night. I left her bed went to mine and without even praying I drifted to sleep.

 For several years I continued in this I’d go to church and lift up holy hands and then I’ll come right in and have sex with girls. Then in 2007 I “gave my life to Christ” but that didn’t change anything, instead I found something else to replace lesbianism...

 Porn! You see I’d always watched soft core porn in between movies prior to then but I discovered I could masturbate while watching hardcore porn, so I started out with hardcore porn, this obsession sent me through several hard roads, I had to learn how to put on the generator because there were times I’d be watching porn and NEPA would take light and I’d not be satisfied. I didn’t go to the market by myself for the first time because my mother sent me, the first time I went to the market on my own was to buy porn DVD’s. when I got into senior school I constantly had assignments that required I look up stuff on the internet, it was then I discovered the “beauty” of internet porn, I’d ask my dad for the laptop to work only to open an “in private” tab where I’d have porn playing, several times I’d use up the data on the modem that should normally last a month within a few days and then I’d have to steal about 8000 to replenish the data. The devil really did have me. But my mother prayed hard, I know she did because God kept me even with all I was and all I was doing.

 I was hooked to internet porn for about 3 years until one afternoon…….(to be continued)



Love,
Opeyemi (the unspoken woman)

THE UNSPOKEN CHRONICLES 1: OPEYEMI SPEAKS UP!

I was about four when we moved from Lagos to Abuja, dad had been on a kind of permanent transfer to Abuja while my sister and I stayed back in Lagos with mom but after almost several years I guess there was every need for us to move to Abuja, hence August 2000 we finally relocated to Abuja. Daddy worked at the federal ministry at the time so we moved into a little estate, everyone who lived in that estate worked in the same place we were more like a family, when one parent wasn’t around there was little to worry about, there was the assurance that your  child would be cared for, fed and everything. Right next door to us lived one of the most beautiful ladies I knew at the time I’d like to refer to her as Mrs. O.  Mrs. O had no kids of her own and for some reason she took a liking to little me, she’ll take walks with me and when I was on holiday most morning I’ll walk her to the gate.  Right by the gate was a shop she’ll take me there and buy stuff for me especially cheese balls; it was on one of those days she took me there he saw me. For the purpose of this story I’ll call him uncle A. I knew uncle A to an extent at least he attended the same church as I and lived in the estate too. When I became a frequent guest in the shop he started to get close to me, sometimes he'd walk me home. Time went and my parents knew him and he became quite close to the family more like an older brother to me.

In 2001 Mrs. O moved away from the estate and I really did miss her. I was outside one afternoon when uncle A came by, he asked me if I’d like to take cheese balls funny thing is he asked the way Mrs. O usually said it, my mom always told me never to collect things from strangers or to go out with people I didn’t know and if I had to go out with anyone we knew I should ensure she knew, now thinking about it I wished I had told her, but I figured he was a church member and there was no harm it was just the shop by the gate we would be going to and I’d gone there severally with Mrs. O with mommy’s permission so she won’t be mad plus I’ll show her the cheese balls before I would eat it so I said I’d eat cheese balls, uncle A responded by saying he’d give me cheese balls if I played with him, I had no Idea why a grown man would want to play with me but what could be wrong in him playing with me so I said yes, uncle A took me to his house and had lay on his bed and asked that I lay on him, and there in the heat of the afternoon with my mother a few blocks away I was molested in the bed of a neighbor, I left his house without the cheese balls he’d promised, I left there totally confused but something had been awoken in me, I was confused but I know it felt good all the same. I knew it had to be wrong because he had to hide to do it, after that day a strange curiosity for “the feeling” (feelings of pleasure) I had on that day came. That singular act led me into a world of sexual promiscuity. I never spoke about it to anyone because I didn’t know how to, few years after I was molested we started sex education at school (a little too late for me), It was then I understood what was done to me. But I had already learned the unspoken rule of my society, the rule of silence when it comes to uncomfortable subjects like sex and abuse, so I never spoke about it, I saw him at church severally praying and speaking in tongues and I felt hate rise in me, what kind of God would allow him do that to me and still watch him pray to him? Was God pleased with him? gradually I started to believe it was my fault and maybe I was only good for sex. Before i knew it i was having sexual relationships with several other people in fact I became a sex addict, porn, masturbation and several other sexual perversions (I’ll write on them subsequently).

Almost 13 years later I became ill and when the doctors kept trying and I wasn’t better I knew my illness had a lot of emotional attachment than physical and if I wanted to be healed physically I had to heal my mind first, my mind was home to every sexual filth and perversion, I had to go back to the start, the point my life took its ugly twist. I was fixing myself up pretty good until day I checked face book and found out that uncle A was married and even had a daughter. I almost died from shock. My life had been turned downside up because of what he did to me and here he was living okay even married with a beautiful daughter. I figured I could confront him, I brought the issue up and he totally denied it, I was hurt. I had expected him to be remorseful and apologize so I’ll forgive him but there he was denying everything, reminded me that he was like an older brother to me, he offered to come and visit my family. I was hurt, I was bitter, I was mad as hell, I cried. I told God how I felt, I wrote in my journal about it I asked God to help me, because I was never going to get past my sexual addictions if I didn’t let go of uncle A. I always told myself I was never going to tell whoever I was going to get married to because I didn’t feel he’d still love me if he knew where I’d come from. I didn’t speak about it but every time I saw someone hurting from abuse I wished I could share but I never did. Now I know better I couldn’t talk because I was still bound, I had to speak up to be free and that is what I'm doing right now . Uncle A may never apologize to me and I’m at peace with that he was a child of perdition and he didn’t know any better, I'll speak up so he can't hold me down, I'll speak up so. I'd never have to fear if someone would love me if they knew about it because it would already be out there.  I know that the most important reason for my life is to be Gods daughter and all I have to go through are simply road blocks trying to keep me from being Gods own. 


Love,
Opeyemi (the unspoken woman)

UNSPOKEN WOMAN!!

I believe there is an intricate power that lies in speaking up, hence I talk a lot. But beyond talking so much I believe in talking honestly.

I believe in silence too but I know how silence can become so loud shouting with the loudest of whispers, screaming way above every other voice in our lives (including the voice of God).

I know how we women can have so much to say and then the very thing we want to say becomes like a bone in our throat and we can’t get out any air enough to speak up.

I understand how we women can cover our wounds until they fester and rot and the smell keeps everyone away from us.

I believe every woman needs a home, a home where she can peel layers after layers after layers of her unspoken thought and experiences without any fear of judgment.

I believe every woman needs a bench where she can be vulnerable and really say all she has on her mind and still know she's worth so much.

I believe every woman needs a place where all her scars, cuts, wounds and bruises are a master piece a pointer to the glory, unfailing grace and sovereignty of her God.

I believe every woman needs a place to speak, to share, to heal and to bring healing to countless others like she.

These beliefs have shaped my dreams and these dreams have birthed this platform. Unspoken is a place for I and my unspoken sisters to get vulnerable, hoping our scars, our wounds and our bruises would bring healing to others. Unspoken is a group for women to come home and bare those wound they have so learnt to hide because “’by his stripes we are healed”.. And who knows, someone else could find healing and grace in their present. I’ll start by sharing my own story and as time goes on everyone else who wants to share can contact us. unspokenwoman@gmail.com





Love always,
God’s princess,
Opeyemi (The unspoken woman).