THE UNSPOKEN CHRONICLES: SUSPENDED 2

I learnt early in life the need to put in my best and nothing but my absolute best in anything that happened to me and where ever I find myself, I do this so each time I stand before God I have a real case to present, coming home I knew that beyond praying and asking God to help with all that had happened to me I had to put in effort so together with my parents I appealed, we sent in a letter of appeal and after about three weeks we received a message to come and face an “appeal panel”, lol I had been in this school long enough to know there’s no such thing as an appeal panel but I figured they wanted to call us back but didn’t want to seem all lazy so they used that as a cover up hence I packed my luggage even as I prepared to face the panel, in fact on the day of the appeal my luggage was in the boot, however I was wrong they actually created an appeal panel just for us, and one after the pother we were interrogated just as the SDC did before we were placed on suspension after the appeal we were asked to return home that we would be contacted.
 Two weeks later I received a letter that my suspension was upheld, I felt my hope crush and I came to terms with the fact that I had to graduate a year after I was supposed to. I remember leaving the house that evening wishing I had died three years earlier when my health fell to rock bottom, I was freaking suicidal, and I wanted to overdose on diclofenac and ventolin. But every time I tried I couldn’t bring myself to end my life, I literally lost my mind that period, sometimes I’d over think and take a walk only to realize I had walked places I never could have walked to on a normal day, I remember vividly one afternoon I wanted to do a little laundry and I discovered that the wash bar was finished, behind my house was a supermarket I went there got the wash bar and rather than turn back and go home I started walking forward, till today it remains a mystery to me what made me stop a cab hop into it and go all the way to the market, this market was way away from the house, incidentally my mom had decided to stop by the market on her way from work, she saw me in the market and her only question was “what are you doing here?” I simply smiled because I didn’t even know what I was doing there, I simply left her in the market after asking her for money to transport myself back home and made my way back to the house. Countless times I walked until I was a distance I couldn’t walk back home, I was depressed, my mind was messed up and there was nothing I could do. I’d like to mention that at this point I was so mad at God that he didn’t matter to me anymore, if I loved him and he’d let things happen with me like that then he wasn’t worth my time, love or effort.
 One evening I sat behind the house pondering over what had happened, I wept I screamed, I wrote letters to God, I tore them up again, I asked God why he hated me so much, I asked him why he left me sick, it was then something occurred to me every anger I felt boiled down to one thing; MY HEALTH. See my walk with God started on the basis of ill health, I was desperate to be fine and I was willing to try anything to be fine so I tried God, and with God it was all an experiment, so I would attend any church iwas invited to just because of my health, I was trying stuff claiming it was for God when in reality it was about me getting better. You see desperation is a disease, it clouds our vision and sense that we cannot see or think past that issue and many at times we’re led the wrong way you see I gave various reasons for attending the program in march and going out to see Joshua Selman that afternoon but in reality I attended the program outside school because I was hoping I’d be healed there, I was outside with Joshua Selman because I was hoping if he prayed for me I’d be healed.
 I gave it all over to God after realizing that, I stopped trying to question God I was hurt but I wasn’t mad if anything else I was ashamed, I decided to begin fashion classes while my suspension lasted as I had always wanted to be a designer, I got a sewing machine, started sewing and was letting God be God in my life because he deserved to be God, not because I wanted to be healed, at school my mates completed the semester and went home on break and I felt all hope die within me.
 About a month before my mates at school were due to resume one evening we received a message from the school inviting us for a meeting with the school management, we were asked to resume three days later to write the makeup exams of the exams we missed, resumption was shifted and to Gods glory I wrote my exams, even though I was a bit of a mess while I wrote the exams I wrote it. About two weeks ago my results were released and I’m still amazed even right now I had a GP of well above 4 points, the highest I’ve had since my first year in the university.
 Right my health is still a thorn in my flesh, it’s the one thing I think about and my heart breaks, but the past year has been enough proof that whatever God allows serves a purpose, its intentional, if God allows it he’ll come through for you, it may not be easy, he never promised it would, even in the storm there’s a always a blessing, I learnt how to sew something I’ve always wanted to do, I learnt to love God without strings attached, I learnt to lean on God, I learnt to play in pain, I’ve tapped into a strength I otherwise never knew I even had because under pressure it was forced out, I have learnt, I have grown, my health battles are for a purpose, if God allows he’s said his grace is sufficient for me, I only need to believe it.